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What a Sensational Child Wants the World to Understand
by Chynna T. Laird
When I wrote my children’s picture book,
I’m Not Weird, I Have SPD, one of my goals was to tell others what Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) felt like from the eyes of a child going through it. I used the voice of a four-year old little girl—essentially, my Jaimie’s voice—to describe how the world made her body felt and how it scared her because she wasn’t always able to control her reactions. It’s often those reactions that people judge resulting in misunderstanding and misdiagnosis of these beautiful children. Hurtfully, I saw it all the time with Jaimie.
The one thing I did before writing my children’s book and memoir was ‘field research’. I tried as best as I could to put myself into Jaimie’s world in order to write about it and to make others understand what was going on in her tiny little body: I wore my shoes on the wrong feet then tried coordinating myself; I tried doing simple tasks without my glasses on; I turned on everything in our house that made noise then tried doing a task requiring me to concentrate; I shone bright lights in my face while studying or writing; I spend an entire day struggling to write or eat with my opposite hand; I put on the most uncomfortable clothing (itchy, tight, too small or short or other irritations) then tried carrying on with regular routines; I ate a meal right beside our garbage bin; I tried eating foods with strange textures or that were extreme in terms of saltiness, sourness, etc.; and many other methods.
People may say that I went a bit extreme with my efforts but until I did some of those things I simply couldn’t understand how the world felt to my daughter. I couldn’t understand how the exercises I was doing with her were supposed to help her until I put myself in that place too. And I didn’t know how to make others understand until I did.
As a result, I came up with a list of things I call, “What Jaimie Would Tell You, If She Knew How To.” Here are a few of them:
I’m interested in you but please give me some time. Children with more severe forms of SPD are sometimes seen as being ‘cold’ or ‘distant’—Jaimie often was. That’s not the case at all. These children feel things deeply—at a much deeper level than the rest of us. Their sensory systems are on constant high alert and don’t always know when something will trigger sensory overload. We don’t realize that a scent on our clothes, the tone of our voice or even how our faces move when we talk can be triggers for these children. It doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in other people; only that they may need a bit of time to get used to new people and teach their bodies to get used to your unique smell, voice or characteristics.
Be patient with me. One of the main things Jaimie taught me was patience. It can take time for her to finish, or even begin, a task. It can take her a bit longer to make a decision in terms of what to wear or what she’d like to play. She needs a lot of extra preparation and “heads up” before new events and she can go from happy to screaming within minutes—and not be able to tell us why (or even know herself) until later on. A sensational child needs you to have patience with her and give her the time she needs to get ready, be ready and handle the task at hand.
I’m not a ‘bad kid’. A child with SPD can melt down easily, especially in the Preschool years when communication skills are still developing. This can lead to an observer thinking these children have behavioral difficulties that simply require extra discipline. Nothing is further from the truth. These children melt down because they become overwhelmed with sensory stimulation that isn’t being processed. Think of it this way: Have you ever walked by a playground flooded with children? Now picture yourself standing in the middle of all of those excited, screaming kids: The screaming, the children running around, all the different voices, perhaps different smells… it’s chaos! That’s what Jaimie feels every day about everything in every situation: chaos and disorder. A sensational child wants you to know she isn’t ‘bad’; just overwhelmed and needing a calmer place.
My feelings are real. It’s been said that SPD is an “invisible disorder” because we can’t see SPD on a child’s face or body. What they struggle with is deep within their bodies—in their brains and nervous systems—and the world can only see their reactions. A sensational child wants you to know that what they feel is real and it hurts when people misunderstand or misinterpret they’re behavior. My Jaimie has become an expert on holding everything inside because the one thing she fears—more than how anything in her world makes her body feel—is losing it in front of people. That’s when people see that she’s ‘different’ and she feels shame with that. A child should never have to feel that way. Her feelings are real, her struggles are real and she wants people to understand her.
I’m a smart kid. “Special needs” doesn’t mean unintelligent. Nothing hurts Jaimie more (or makes me angrier) when people treat her “different” because she has special needs. A sensational child would say, “Please don’t judge me based on my social issues or how I react to things. I can do tons of things, even when I struggle with a few other things.” Remember: There’s so much more beneath the surface.
I’m not angry with you. This is something I constantly have to remind my other three children of whenever Jaimie melts down. In that frame of mind, Jaimie often lashes out at the closest person to her—usually me or her siblings. This is because Jaimie holds everything inside until that one last sensory stimulus sets her over the top. A sensational child wants you to realize, especially other children whose little feelings shatter so easily, that he doesn’t mean to be hurtful. He just isn’t able to control what he’s feeling and, because of his poor social skills, doesn’t always know the “proper” way to express what’s going on inside of him. Don’t worry! He wants you to know that he’s learning how to communicate with you better—just wait!
Please respect my personal space. A sensational child is so much more sensitive than other children are. She’d want you to know that even your own personal scent—even if it’s a good smell—can be enough to send her into an inconsolable fit. She doesn’t want you to be afraid to approach her. Please just do so while remembering that it takes her a little bit longer to get used to your presence. Ask her if she’d mind you sitting with her; start with activities she’s comfortable with; you can even ask her what she does or doesn’t like about new people or things. In Jaimie’s case, if people take it slowly with her, she eases quicker and responds so much more positively.
I find it hard to focus on too many things at the same time. Because he hasn’t learned the skill of tuning things out, a sensational child’s attention is continually pulled in different directions. He wants you to know that he’s learning how to focus on one task or person at a time. We need to give him our patience as he attempts his task and understand that the fewer things presented to him at once, the less frustrated he’ll be.
The new is scary to me. When a sensational child’s symptoms are quite severe, she’ll cling to what she knows and can be rigid about routine. She can also shy away from new people or situations. Now, we can’t let her stick only to what’s new or she’ll never be able to function in the outside world. But we can start with what she’s familiar and comfortable with while working new things into her safe zone. Yes, it can be a much longer process but that’s how you can help make a sensational child feel safer when dealing with new things. Remember: She isn’t trying to be difficult; she’s simply trying to get along in a world that she struggles to coordinate her self within. Easing new people or experiences into what she’s already comfortable with is a great way to start then, eventually, she’ll want to try something new.
Please see the things I can do. Even I’ve been guilty of this. We can get so caught up in trying to help our sensational child cope with his struggles we tend to forget what he does well. Every child can do something really well. Acknowledge his talents. Such things can be used in times of frustration when they struggle with things they find difficult. Think of how much it can mean to them just to hear you say, “Oh, John. Look at all of these beautiful drawings you did for me. Not only are they wonderful but you were able to concentrate to do them and you had fun doing it!”
I love you, even if I’m not always able to show it. It can be so painful, especially as a Mom, not to be able to give or receive the usual signs of love and affection from our sensational child. If her tactile sensitivities are too high she can’t handle even the gentlest of touches (As a matter of fact, Jaimie can only deal with deep pressure—light touch drives her mad. Especially when the wind blows on her skin or hair.) This doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel love, or wants to give it; only that she can’t handle the lighter touches. In Jaimie’s (almost) seven years, I can count on my hands how many times she’s hugged me by putting her arms on me and not just sticking her head out at me and saying, “Hug.” But I know that she loves me—I can see it in her deep blue eyes. And she knows I love her.
I have seven senses. If you understand this, you’ll be well on your way to seeing inside a sensational child’s world. Despite what you’ve learned at school, there are actually seven senses and they all work together to help us effectively interact with the world around us and the people in it:
Auditory: This is our sense of hearing. It involves not just what we hear but how we hear and how we interpret sounds. (This sense is closely related to the vestibular system.)
Olfactory: This is our sense of smell. It's actually the only sense that doesn't need to make pitstop at a specific processing area in the brain before telling the body how to react. The sense of smell can be a powerfully emotional experience because we often connect certain scents with memories. It affects what we'll eat, what we'll play with, who we'll get close to or even play with.
Visual: This is the sense of sight. This involves everything we see but also how our brains interpret what we see. Because the eyes use muscles to adjust to light (which lets us focus on objects), it's closely related to the vestibular and proprioceptive systems.
Gustatory: This is the sense of taste. It's closely related to smell (think of when you have a cold and can't taste anything.) Taste is important because it not only helps us have a good relationship with food but it helps keep toxic things out of our bodies (eg: When things taste bad, you spit it out.)
Tactile: This is the sense of touch. The skin is the largest organ on the body. This system helps us learn how to interact with the people and objects in our environments. It also helps keep us safe by understanding when things are hot, cold, soft, hard, painful or feel good. It makes us feel safe touching and being touched.
Vestibular: This is the sense that is closely connected to the cochlear system in the inner ear. It helps us feel balanced, coordinated, grounded and help us with maintaining proper head motion (Helping with vision and hearing).
Proprioceptive: This sense sends messages back and forth between the brain and the muscles and joints. This system not only tells our bodies how to move but if we're moving, and how fast. And because it involves all the muscles in the body, it can affect speech and eating (tongue, jaw and mouth muscles), writing and hand grip (fine motor skills) and muscle tone (gross motor skills).
These are the main things that I learned from Jaimie’s experiences and that we try helping others understand through her eyes. Above all else, I think what they’d most love for you to see is that they are a child first who just happens to have a sensational life.
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